How Do You Define Love?

An old Rock song says, “I didn’t know what else to say, so I said, ‘I love You.’” Is that how a lot of bad marriages got started, because they just didn’t know what else to say? Just what is love? Is it a feeling? An attraction?

Webster’s New World College Dictionary, 4th ed. defines love as: A deep and tender feeling of affection for or attachment or devotion to a person or persons; The expression of such feelings; A feeling of brotherhood or good will toward other people; A strong liking or interest in something; A strong passionate affection for someone, usually based on sexual attraction; Sexual passion or intercourse.

A mother defined it as the warm feeling I get when I look at my new baby. At two am., after three nights in a row of dealing with a colicky baby, those feelings may not be so warm and pleasant. The same one you feel so sweet and loving toward may also make you totally frustrated and angry moments later. Feelings tend to change as circumstances change. If those feelings are love, then love is a very fleeting, insubstantial thing. Sexual attraction is just as fleeting. It’ll be almost impossible to build a long term relationship on something that unstable.

Love is a frequent subject in the Bible. Husbands are commanded to love their wives in Ephesians 5:25, and Jesus commanded his disciples to love one another in John 13:34-35. Our feelings are not under direct control. We may be able to deny and suppress them but we can’t eliminate them. Since we can’t control our feelings, the love he is describing must not be a feeling, or we can’t obey the command. Paul said that it was the older women’s job to teach the younger women to love their husbands and their children in Titus 2:4, implying that such love can be learned.

Is love just a system of actions one can learn to do? One Psychologist claims that women give sex to get love, and men give love to get sex. Was the preacher who told a group of Bible College students they must bring their wives flowers every week right? When his children accused him of not doing so one pastor said he’d prove he did and brought in a bag of flour to prove it. Since guys often buy flowers to get what they want, buying flour every week would be better proof, but while certain actions such as giving of flowers are considered romantic, they are not love. A romantic dinner or other actions can be performed without any love.

I Corinthians 13 makes it clear that apparently loving actions can be done without love. It also gives a clear description of the actions produced by biblical love. Notice the various actions described in I Corinthians 13:4-7. “Charity suffereth long, and is kind;” It does not project it’s suffering on others. “Charity envieth not;” is not jealous of what the object of love has or receives, whether of respect, or of physical objects.

“Charity vaunteth not itself,” it does not try to promote itself. Love “is not puffed up,” it does not consider itself better than it’s object. Love is considerate of the feelings of the other, “Doth not behave itself unseemly.” Love is not selfish or self centered, it“seeketh not her own.” Love “is not easily provoked,” it is not characterized by anger, nor does it assume evil motivations or actions, such as cheating or hiding things. It “thinketh no evil;” Love“Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;” it doesn’t gloat over some sin by it’s object, but accepts the person as they really are. It doesn’t deny their behavior, or their responsibility for their behavior.

Love “Beareth all things,” taking whatever comes in stride. It “believeth all things, hopeth all things,” never giving up on the person, even after repeated failures. It “endureth all things.”

The description has more to do with the underlying attitude than actual actions. We can learn to control our attitudes, and we can choose which attitude we want. The attitude chosen will have a major effect on the feelings. As one marriage counselor titled his book, To Love Is To Be Happy With.

How do you define love?